The joy of overlooking offences in marriage
Recently, a friend of mine asked me to help advise some couple
friends who were tired of their new marriage. They were even considering
calling it quits. Their fights were no longer cute disagreements about
toothpaste and socks in the living rooms. They had reached an upscale war of
vicious fights and quarrels and nobody was backing out. No infidelity had
happened. Nothing drastic had occurred but they just wanted out. In one of my
favourite marriage books, From Anger to Intimacy, the late Gary Smalley and
Ted Cunninhgam state that when small, daily
irritations are experienced over a long time, they lead to resentment and
anger. This resentment and anger leads to estrangement. And living with angry
people is like living in a minefield. Smalley and Cunningham teach that couples
at this point in their marriage must realise that anger is a secondary emotion
and not a primary emotion. This means that anger is a reflection of another
feeling e.g. feeling devalued, cheated, used, abused, abandoned,
disrespected, controlled, judged, invalidated, unloved, belittled etc.
Married people will inevitably
offend each other- even if they are born again Christians. In fact, especially
if they are born again Christians. A good marriage is not one characterised by
a lack of offences. Au contraire mes amis, a good marriage will have offences
but its difference with a failing marriage lies in the fact that offences are
always resolved. But when offences are not resolved, the love of your life
becomes an enemy within.
The Bible says in Proverbs 18:19 "An offended
friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends
like a gate locked with bars." (NLT).
The situation in Proverbs 18:19
assumes a present continuous tense of being offended. It implies that as long
as an offence is unresolved between you and you friend, any venture to continue
that relationship is harder than bringing down the walls of the City of
Jericho. An offended friend can be redeemed by resolving the offence. Even Jesus taught that redeeming a broken relationship was a necessary prerequisite to worshipping God. Timothy
Keller was once asked what was the secret behind the success of his marriage
and he answered, "Repentance and forgiveness." To repent and forgive
is to resolve a fight. The first way to resolve the fights is to neither spew
nor stuff your anger but to study it. Find out the primary emotion behind your
anger. Prayerfully ask the Lord to show you the root of the hurt. Does it stem
from a traumatic childhood experience? Or perhaps from a high school bullying? Is it
from a college heartbreak? Ted and Gary insist that at this point you must "focus on feelings and not
issues." We often tend to imagine that solely focusing on issues while ignoring feelings is healthy- it's not. Each day that passes
without talking, repenting and forgiving makes it harder to resolve them. The
best time to resolve a marital conflict is the day it happened. The next best
time is now. This introspective route is healthy and I definitely recommend it.
However there is another way to resolve offences that we rarely talk about. And
that is to overlook them. Yes, that's right- overlook them! Some of you are
staring at the screen with wide eyes as if I just wrote the text in Greek! I am
talking to followers of Jesus Christ, aren't I? I know I did not stutter. Born
again believers must train themselves to overlook majority of the offences in
their marriages. And that is because majority of the offences in a marriage are
not always rooted in deep emotions that require counselling or historical
injustices that require lengthy periods of healing. Many married people will admit that a
huge deal of the offences in marriage would be termed minor offences. They are
rooted in pet peeves and petty annoyances. Believers must learn to ignore these when they manifest in their marriages. The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11 that "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an
offence."
(NIV).
Many married couples have
lost this glory of overlooking minor offences! Where are the Christian men and
women who would prefer to overlook an offence as opposed to prove a point? Does
your marriage have this glory, Beloved? When was the last time you were
offended and you overlooked it? Is your marriage attractive even when it is in the
rocks? Or is it attractive only in the good times? The true glory of a marriage
is seen not in the "for better" moments but rather in the "for
worse" occasions. But Ernest, some may say, I was right and he was wrong. I was right and she was wrong! We
need to square it out!
Well, Beloved, do you
realize that the Christian standard set by Jesus requires that the action of
overlooking offences to precede the action of reporting offences? Do you
realise that one of the key trademarks of the faith is to overlook offences. Do you not
perceive that the man hanging on the cross, bleeding and dying is overlooking
your very own offences? When the Corinthian church had disagreements between
themselves, one of their primary moves was to sue each other in courts of law.
Paul wrote to them when he heard about it and challenged them.
1 Corinthians 6:7 "The
very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely
defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?"
(NIV)
Paul the Apostle is telling the church
members to overlook offences! He is asking them to lose the argument- to NOT
have the last word. He is asking them to demonstrate the glory of Jesus on the
cross and to do away with the need to prove that you were right. I charge you, Beloved-
Why not rather be wronged? Why not overlook it? You see, when you two met for the first time and you
were passionately in love, you overlooked many of these offences. Seeing her in
that A-line dress just made you forget that she was late. Simply hearing him say that he
loves you made you forget his perfectionism. Well, what happened? I'll
tell you what happened. You ran out of fuel! You were depending on feelings of love to make you act
in love. But marriage is a whole new ball game, Beloved. In marriage, love
matures. In marriage, actions of
love lead to feelings of love. In marriage, romance stops feeding on
dopamine and starts feeding on commitment. Before, dopamine led to commitment;
now commitment leads to dopamine. It stops being the carcinogenic candy love
and becomes the healthy five course dinner meal. Paul is telling the church
that love is a choice to act
despite an opposing feeling. Love is a not a feeling to act in the midst of
feel good hormones. If we all chose to resolve conflict based on our feelings
we would never resolve anything. The maturity of marriage demands that we act
when we do not feel like it. But that is unromantic, some may say. Well, wake
up Cinderella! Wake up Charming! That is life. That is how we maintain the
things and the ones that we love. Earlier generations thrived in marriage because they were taught that when something is broken, you don't discard it; you fix it. Actions of love will lead to feelings of
love. Too many people are depending on feelings of love to motivate their
actions of love. It won't work. Your commitment to act in love will result in a
lasting feeling of love. But if you are committed to feeling in love you will
never commit to acting in love. You will be a wonderful spouse only on the good
days. And I want to believe you were a mature man or woman when you said
"for better or worse."
This is wisdom that is counter-cultural.
Our culture says do not relent until you get your rights! Jesus says, love
until you win your spouse over. God
doesn't require husbands and wives to
"man up" in order be successful in marriages. On the contrary, God
calls husbands and wives to "man down" and be humble enough to
resolve their differences even if it means losing. But more and more we
are seeing couples who prefer to "teach each other a lesson" as
opposed to win over their spouses by their good conduct. Where does that nasty
attitude come from? James tells us where it comes from.
James 4:1 "What causes fights
and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within
you?" (NIV).
James is teaching us that a heart that refuses to back down reveals an
inner spiritual struggle. Every sinful act comes from a sinful desire in a
sinful heart. The born again Christian is regenerate but he or she is still
undergoing sanctification. And because he or she is becoming more like Christ
but living in a sinful world, he or she will have to choose between being like
Christ or being like the world. He or she will have to choose between
overlooking an offence in their marriage or settling a score with their spouse.
Which spouse are you, Beloved? You need to choose; this is the battle James is
talking about. But you ask, "How in the world can I overlook an offence while
it is…well… RIGHT THERE!" The answer to that is twofold.
1) You must be born again.
2) You must be walking with God.
A husband or wife who is not born again cannot
act like Christ Jesus in this regard. This is because this love is not eros (romantic
love). This is agape love- the unconditional love that’s pure in motive and
that is only from God. Christ overlooked offences that deserved hell because of his agape
love for us. That same Spirit that rose Christ from the grave resides in the one who is born again. That
is why 1 Corinthians 13:5 says that love keeps no record of wrongs. In other
words, love overlooks offences. The unbeliever may try the agape for a while
but they will grow weary of it because the scriptures say that they are dead in
their sins and transgressions (Ephesians 2:1-2). The believer who is saved by grace
through faith (Ephesians 2:8-9) has all they need to overlook even the worst of offences in their
spouse because they are moved by the example of Christ Jesus, who overlooked the
worst of offences in them. A Christian spouse should remember that they are a
sinner who married a fellow sinner. Conflict should not surprise you. Being
born again does not mean you are a Grade A human being. It just means you are
forgiven. And remembering the forgiveness of Christ will result in softening
your stance against your spouse. I have learnt with my wife, Waturi that I can
either try and prove I am a better human being and keep up-scaling our
conflicts. Or I can remember that I am saved by the grace of God and extent
similar grace.
But if this husband or wife is struggling to do so, it is
almost, always testament of a poor walk with God. Are you spending daily time
with God? My wife and I notice with considerable concern that many married
couples we interact with do not have thriving personal walks with God-
especially the newly weds. They forgot all about Quiet Time after the
honeymoon. The men are not leading their wives in daily prayers. Spouses are
not committed to scripture reading and memorizing. So when the fights break
out, they have no spiritual armour to fight the sin in the marriage so they
fight each other. Do you realise that sin's fleshly desires will never let you
win in a marriage. How do some of these
fleshly desires look like:
·
The desire to have the last word in an argument
·
The desire to prove you were right even if it embarrasses your spouse
·
Commitment to entertainment more than commitment to God's word
·
No time to walk with younger couples because it is too much work
·
Focusing on your rights in marriage more than your responsibilities
And what are some of the results of these?
·
Constant anger and irritability
towards your spouse
·
Frustrating sex life or no sex life
·
Emotional affairs
The greatest personal contribution you can make to your marriage is a personal thriving walk with God. Marriage, Beloved, I believe is one of God's best
sanctification tools for a born again believer. Every conflict is an
opportunity for you to develop personal character and conform yourself to be
like Christ (Romans 8:29). Jesus is not just a means to a good relationship
with your spouse. Your spouse is also a means to a better relationship with
Jesus. And if forgiving your spouse is totally unacceptable to you, then you have
bigger problems, Beloved. If the trademark of the faith does not feature in you
life, you should be concerned if you are even in the faith in the first place.
Paul warned the very Corinthian church that was colouring the town red with
lawsuits. He said to them in 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves.
Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the
test?" (NIV).
If you do pass the test, I
beseech you, explore the joy of overlooking offences in your partner for it is
the joy that was set before our LORD Jesus Christ when he hang on that cross
overlooking our offences.
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