Sexual Addictions in Christians: An indication
of lack of joy
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| Image from Marieclaire.com |
Why
do some believers in the body of Christ lose control of their sexuality? Is it
possible to recover? Are raging hormones resistant to the power of the blood of
Christ? Pornography and masturbation addiction is normalizing the culture among
many Christian men…and women too. Women too get caught in the rut of
masturbation and porn. Together with that are the rampant cases of sex among
unmarried Christians. Every month, several believers write to me confessing,
admitting, struggling, wanting out. They began paths they wished they hadn’t
begun. A good number of them get the help I can give but easily fall back
because they are unwilling to accept Christlikeness as a source of joy. I
figured that it was scriptures like these that kept them going for a while:
1
Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the
wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the
sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders
Ephesians 5:5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such
a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
In
those lists, sexual sin always pops up. Why do they run back to pornography and
masturbating? Why do they insist that they don’t think there’ s a problem but
still ask to be prayed for? At the heart of addictions in the Christian is a lack
of joy. Every Christian’s pursuit to derive sexual pleasure outside their Creator’s
will is an indication of their lack of satisfaction in the Son of God who is
the source of Joy. In the core of
your struggle, you lack real joy and are not sure you will find happiness
beyond the temporal thrills you indulge in. You pursue pleasure because in a
hedonistic mindset, you think it will cosmically fill a void in you just like the
way the porn-stars you watch look satisfied with pleasure. You think the orgasm
is the peak of life on earth so you masturbate your way to a mere 5 seconds of
pleasure. You're striving to get to the top but once you're there, you discover there’s nothing. You pursue
emotional sensations just to feel like the actress feels when the actor slips
his hand on her chin and lifts up to kiss her lips. You’re chasing the wind,
beloved. At the end...more emptiness. More joy needed.
Addictions
tell the addict that “this one time” it will be worth it. So you join the band
wagon of lust and even after you strive to be “clean” for months, the cycle
goes something like this when you relapse:
1. You lie to yourself.
She’s coming over just to watch movies.
He’s gonna leave as soon as he collects what he
came for.
I’ll skip the kissing scenes in this movie
I’m an adult, I can handle this.
It’s not that explicit. I’ve seen worse.
It’s just entertainment.
I watch it for the nice cars.
I watch it for the nice dresses.
We’re being romantic.
We won’t go beyond a kiss.
I’m only Googling to see what she looks like
2. You fall
You
watch the porn
You
masturbate.
You
sleep with him/ her
You
make out/ petting/necking
You break God’s heart.
3.
You repent and even at times you cry
You
fall to your knees and cry yourself sick saying you’re really sorry and you say
you will never repeat it again. You sign pledges. You make vows and you throw yourself into a forlorn state.
4. You do a few good things to take away the
guilt
You
still don’t understand the Grace and forgiveness of Christ and you think you
can make up for your falling by doing good things to make you feel better.
5. You punish yourself thinking you deserve it.
The
good deeds don’t give you a lasting peace. So you tell yourself that you’re not
worthy of going to church or fellowship or reading your Bible. You even label yourself names hoping the
punishment will satiate the guilt and lies. You then delve into a deep pit of self-pity
and sob yourself miserable.
6. In your self-induced self-pity you want
something to cheer up your spirits
So
you decide to entertain yourself…
You invite your boyfriend/girlfriend over
You go online.
You watch the same movies/TV series
1. You lie to yourself
Why
do you return to stage one? Because you promise you will stop just this once. Because you believe that just this once, it will be worth it. You lack real joy and
you’re looking for it in Hollywood, your boyfriend, your entertainment, your
porn links thinking that five seconds of pleasure may make up for the regret.
Grow
up, beloved.
For
reasons like that, even your requests to receive certain blessings get
contaminated by your lust.
James
4:3-4 When you ask, you do not receive,
because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your
pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world
is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an
enemy of God.
You become enemies with God is a bid to
get joy from your own desires. You lose the battle the day you side with the
flesh. Ladies get imbibed in what is now called “mommy porn”- an ecstatic
pursuit of an emotional high from a fantasy in their minds between them and the
opposite sex. They are willing to compromise their sexuality to reach the
height of it. It leaves them crying. Men get caught in the lies that the next
naked women will be the one they will stick with. They begin to dig a hole they
will later be unable to get out of. These people are looking for joy and they
do not know it. When men and women don’t get these satisfactions, their pride
is willing to try something new to get it. The women now want the feeling
from fellow women and the men want it from fellow men. Death begins to take a different form
and they realize they got more than what they bargained for. The foolish
pursuit makes you pay more than you’re willing to spend. It takes you
further than you’re willing to go and it keeps you longer than you’re
willing to stay.
The
Bible says that the wages of Sin in death (Romans 6:23) Some believers have not
yet reaped the wages of lust because wages don’t come immediately. Wages come
at the end of the month and in a full package. At the “end-month” of your lust
consumption, prepare for a bill called addiction wrapped in an envelope called
regret. And since the bills are too high for you to pay, the wages is death.
(first a soul-death, then spiritually, and ultimately a physical death after a
wasted life of chasing the wind)
James
1:14-15 but each one is tempted when, by
his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has
conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth
to death.
When
I was in campus, I realized my struggle was in watching TV series. What made me
lust was not overtly pornographic images but 10 second scenes with short skirts
and tight chests. I was working to receive my wages of death. The series were
arguably “innocent”. However those excuses are what kept me in the rut. I
stopped watching series. The last series I watched was in 2010, Heroes. I got rid of the stage one and
got rid of the process. I am still as human as possible and still not lacking
anything in life because even today I don’t watch them.
In
your quest to be satisfied, you pursue a hedonistic life. You still hold the
belief that the life you were saved from still can bring some satisfaction. It’s
not working. You spiritually moved from the ghetto to the classy suburbs but
you’re still holding onto the junk you treasured in the slums. Grow up,
beloved. Throw it out! I know what you’re thinking, so allow me to save you some
time; five months from now, it still won’t work. Every pursuit a Christian
makes where God is second to their wants and pleasures will lead to utter
dissatisfaction. You still want to give your life to the Saviour but you still
want to maintain control of your worldly joy-givers. You will eat but never be
satisfied. You will drink but still thirst.
Jesus
said in John 7:38 that “Whoever believes
in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within
him."
A
true satisfaction in Christ does not only result in abundant joy, but long-lasting as
well. Rivers of life will flow from you and men and women will long to have it
too. When Jesus spoke these words, he was inferring to the coming of the Holy
Spirit. When filled with the Holy Spirit, we are compelled to obey and when we
obey we bear His fruit of Love and joy is in that fruit. When we experience this joy as
Christians, our addictions roll away. The fruit of the spirit is love. And in
that order that Saint Paul gave, the first characteristic of love is Joy
(Galatians 5:22). Your sexuality as a Christian expressed within God’s will, a
marriage, is a treasure that my words cannot explain. Don’t take my word for it, though.
Abstain and find out for yourself. You'll have nothing to lose!